i'm really really depressed at the moment. i couldn't fall asleep till 2 am..and woke up at 8 am...realizing how retarded i am. i don't think any of the university mumbo jumbo hasn't hit me yet..the fact that i'm entering a new world full of my own responsibilities that i never should have procrastinated about. i can't believe i was stupid enough for not sending my stupid deposit yesterday or earlier..and unfortuantely...i'm very screwed. annd i feel terrible..for meAND my parents. now it's too late..which means i gotta drive up to western on monday..which is just PATHETIC. or i can just sulk and die. what has happened to me lately? it seems like i'm falling apart..bit by bit... i don't know what's happpening to me. i feel like i'm just dreaming about absolutely nothing. i have no goals, no purpose..my soul's just dead. it also really hurt when yesterday, one of my "close" friends were like.."yea..u don't seem like you like science anymore.." i'm like helllo. perfect timing. that makes me feel so much better wen i'm going into science and having so much doubts about my decision. like how pathetic is t his world. yea..mb they're rite..but c'mon..at this time...at this stage in my life..i dotn' need to be hearing those kind of comments...that make me regret or havee no faith in myself. i just can't take life anymore. i feel like life is just a big blur...just like a big fuzz cloud..like an orbital. mb it's cuz i'm lost. very lost. i have no faith anymore. i have no purpose. i'm confused..."what am i living for?"... yes..the typical "Christian" answer would be God. but i feel so lost from Him. maybe it 's jsut me..or it was just areally bad year overall. maybe it'll get better- smoother wen i enter university. i'm just wishing that it does....i want to find a meaningful purpose in my life again. just like in Grd 11..wen my whole heart was devoted to HIm. i realized that when i'm fully devoted to HIm, God brings the best out of me. he shows me a path of hope, determination , and super super happiness. but now. i jsut feel totally lost. i want to go back. it's just that life's too confusing at athe moment. i don't know how to handle this situation. i don't know what to think. id ont' know waht to feel. i want God to lead me ...but why is it so hard for me to trust? it's just so hard. i pray every night that i could truly find Him and live a life for Him. maybe he's making me wait....i've been on a roller coaster ride.....and it' sjust so hard. mb grd 12 was a stepping stone, the biggest barrier of my life. mb it was the challenge that he provided me with. i jsut didnt' know how to handle it and failed miserably. i just don't know what to say. i dotn' know what to think. i feel like the biggest loser yet. i think this is one of the most stupidest things i ever done in my life. like literally. how can someone forget a RESIDENCE ACCOMADATION deadline when they NEED residence and NEEDS to choose her dream res/ her dream roomate? OMG. i'm just retarded. in Grd 11, i was so happy. super super happy . mb it was cuz i had faith. i lived a life fo rHIm. He made me belive in myself and knew that i could do anything if i only believed and trusted in him. and yes, he did. i was having a time of my life. now i'm just self-centred. im' selfish. i have no life. i hvae no dream. it just vanished from me. school overpowered him. mb cuz i lacked faith from him as grd 12 slowly approached...all i was thinking was..school school school. but that didn't help me at all, since it was one of the worst academic years yet....same with friends..everything just started falling apart. what i realized is that, i guess he wants us to trust in him. and he'll lead the way, if i only go back into his big wide open hands. =) he's our purpose and when we trust in him, he provides us with somethign so beautiful, so meaningful, and a clear path that we could follow, a vision that is unbelievable....we just got to trust in Him and he'll lead the way.
posted by lois @ 9:06 AM
